MARRIAGE JOKES

WIFE = Worries Invited For Ever

Every man should get married some time; after all, happiness is not the only thing in life!!
--Anonymous

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her.
--Agatha Christie

Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.
--Oscar Wilde

Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
--Scottish Proverb

I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.
--Sam Kinison

A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free.
--Anonymous

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't,they'd be married too.
--H. L. Mencken

Men have a better time than women; for one thing, they marry later, for another thing, they die earlier.
--H. L. Mencken

"A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle."
- U2

Marriage is a three ring circus:
--engagement ring
---wedding ring
---suffering

When a newly married couple smile, everyone knows why. When a ten-year married couple smile, everyone wonders why.

Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife was in beauty saloon for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in!"

BaddTeddy recently explained to me why he refuses to ever get married. He says "the wedding rings look too much like minature handcuffs....."

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is
more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?" The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied,"My wife's first husband."

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled "It really works!"

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.


WHAT MEN REALLY MEAN

"I'M GOING FISHING."
Really means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.

"IT'S A GUY THING."
Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR."
Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN."
Really means..."I have no idea how it works.

"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Really means...."Are you still talking?

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.

"OH, DON'T FUSS. I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt.

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Really means.... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Really means.... "What did you catch me at?

"I HEARD YOU."
Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me.

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving.

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again.

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up.

SOME MORE JOKES...

Girlfriend: And are you sure you love me and no one else?
Boyfriend: Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday.

Husband: U know, wife, our son got his brain from me.
Wife: I think he did, I've still got mine with me!

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100...Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What in hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!" "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

A wife asks her husband, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?"
"After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship."
"If I died and you remarried," the wife asks, "would she live in this house?"
"We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would."
"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house," the wife asks,
"would she sleep in our bed?"
"Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess she would."
"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?"
"Oh, no," the husband replies. "She's left-handed."